UMass Lowell Connector Logo

‘The Last Witch Hunter’? We can only hope so

Courtesy of Summit Entertainment
Joe Antognoni

Connector Contributor

After taking in “The Last Witch Hunter,” one very important question was left unanswered. Why, Michael Caine? Why? Did this involve blackmail? Please, Caine, let us help you.

This was about the only question raised by the film that did not have a disappointingly predictable answer. Vin Diesel stars as Kaulder, a witch hunter cursed with immortality who serves a shady wing of the Roman Catholic Church. A priest known as a Dolan, Caine, from this wing serves as Kaulder’s handler and historian, documenting his life for the past 800 years. I hope, for those poor priests, that the past 800 years were not as cheesy as the 106 minutes I had to endure.

The plot of the film was pulled out of a neat little can on a shelf somewhere, as far as I can tell. Caine is retiring from his position and being replaced by a new Dolan, played by Elijah Wood. Diesel and Wood team up with a young witch named Chloe, Rose Leslie, and the three set out on a Scooby-Doo style mystery adventure to stop an ancient evil from being brought back by a group of radicals.

There is even a poorly executed plot twist. You know that moment, 20 minutes in, when you think “He’s going to be a bad guy?” Yes, it is one of those. I would try to explain more about that plot, but that is really all there is. For a helpful comparison, I would say it is a “Hellboy” clone, but it is not well done or enjoyable and there is very little action.

Forgetting about the plot for a moment, let us turn to the characters. Maybe we will find some saving grace there? Unfortunately, that is not the case.

Diesel stumbles through his typical dead-pan monotone that is just uncomfortable to listen to, occasionally shouting lines for no reason to try to trick us into believing he is not actually a robot. It was a poor choice to cast him alongside a talent like Caine, as it exacerbates the feeling that Diesel sounds like a camera guy standing in and reading the script as he goes along.

Beyond that, there is almost no action in this movie. I had big expectations for a heart-stopping action thriller, since that is the only reasonable circumstance in which to hire Vin Diesel. He is not a dramatic actor, and he is totally out of his element here.

Caine and Leslie are the only source of relief we manage on the acting front. Caine gives us the solid performance we would expect from him, though the unfortunate context of a bad film makes it difficult to enjoy.

He also has a disappointingly small role in the film, giving him few chances to shine the redemptive light of his skill on this affair. Leslie is convincing and gives a good dramatic performance, and even provides a bit of a love interest for Diesel. Wood is passable as the young priest, but as is his style, he always looks scared and as though he is about to cry. Maybe it is because he realized he had signed on for a career-tarnishing film. It is all right Master Frodo, we still love you.

From a technical standpoint the film does well enough, thanks to the way-too-heavy production investment of $70 million. The camera work is decent, though it does not contribute anything interesting to the storytelling. The score is boring and forgettable; the only moments that I noticed the music where when I was intentionally listening for it. The special effects are pleasing and believable, probably the best thing the film has going for it. Overall, the movie looks and sounds all right, technically speaking.

That is all there really is to this confusing film. Not only was I left a bit dazed, but the movie itself seemed confused. It tries to be “007,” “Hellboy” and “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” all at once, and none of it pans out well. It is a poorly executed mix of elements that do not work together, and it lacks nearly enough heart-pumping action or gruesome violence to atone for the multitude of insufficiencies.

The most frightening part of the film was the ending, which set itself up with disconcerting hints at a sequel. Just the thought caused me to jog for the exit as the credits rolled, brushing past the four other unfortunate souls who turned out for the movie. I found some comfort in the fact that at least only the five of us had to endure it; someone must have warned the rest of the world. Hopefully you will heed this warning and get your thrills elsewhere this season.

Related posts