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Pretzel Palooza

Mathew Sychantha
UML Student

They say the best things in life are free. Let me tell you my brothers, I tell you I’ve seen the lightning flash. I’ve heard the thunder roar. I’ve felt sin breakers dashing trying to conquer my soul. But I heard the voice of Jesus saying still to fight on. He promised never to leave me alone and in that moment, he sent me down the pretzel; and I experienced the freedom to enjoy pretzels.

But what kind are the best pretzels? Soft Pretzels; Hard Pretzels; and what about toppings? Dear god, it’s implausible to decide!

So instead of outright picking the best, let’s talk soft pretzels first. First off, they’re best when they’re not covered in an obnoxious amount of large salt crystals that threaten to strangle you to death or cause Cardiomegaly.
Second of all, cheese is clearly the best topping for a soft pretzel. Some people believe in some kind of mustard onion mix…thing. However, they’d be wrong. Cheese, especially beer cheese is the best part of pretzels. Second to that is nacho cheese, mainly because it’s NOT YO CHEESE!

On hard pretzels, personally I enjoy the classic Rold Gold pretzels. While there may be other better pretzels, let me just say that the key to their pretzels is the cheap salt. When combined with chocolate, there’s a fantastic contrast in flavor, one that just isn’t there when a pretzel isn’t covered in an obnoxious amount of salt.

At a close second though, l’d have to give it to Market Basket pretzel sticks. The sheer fact that you can combine them with peanut butter is delicious. My girlfriend also has a habit of putting Candy Melts on the end, and those are awesome.

A third category that must be talked about is pretzels as bread. Pretzel burgers, pretzel dogs, what works; what doesn’t?

The pretzel burger is a fantastic accomplishment, let’s be fair. However, it’s best to note that it’s not for the faint of heart. Pretzel is a fairly heavy bread item, and will fill you up quickly. Challenging it unprepared could really leave you in a twisted situation.

The pretzel dog presents a different problem. Unsatisfying on it’s own, it needs many a topping to reach the capacity of perfection because of the inverse law of hot dogs.

In the long run, you don’t have to listen to me. Go enjoy your pretzel any way you want. Just go eat some pretzels.