Robert Shaffer
UML Student

“Flappy Bird is about pride. It’s about beating your friends’ scores.” Briefly looking up from yet another Game Over screen, this is what my amazing girlfriend of three years told me about the maddeningly simple, and frighteningly addictive, game Flappy Bird. My identical twin brother, also looking up from yet another Game Over screen, proudly agreed with her statement. They both looked back down at their screens and futilely began the game once more, determined to beat each other’s scores. Frightened and dumbfounded, I was left watching their fingers tap away at their screens, their birds flapping.

It was in that moment that I made a pact with myself: I will not under any circumstance download Flappy Bird. I urge you to do the same. It may be too late to save my own loved owns, but you have to listen to me. You still have time to save yourself!

In case you haven’t seen it, Flappy Bird is a free game for Android and iOS phones in which players control a bird, go figure. Every time the player taps the screen, the bird flaps and flies higher. Faster taps prevent the bird from sinking, while slower taps allow the bird to descend. The goal is to navigate the bird through an infinite course of pipes that jut vertically into the players’ paths. For every pipe you navigate successfully, you receive one point. If you touch the pipes or the ground you lose – starting right back at the beginning with a score of 0. It’s simple to play but impossible to beat. You literally cannot beat this game. The only thing you can do is to try to get a higher score. Other than that, you will lose. Every time.

You see, when you lose a round of Flappy Bird, your gut instinct is to try again. You’ll think to yourself, “Psshht, The game is simple enough. I’ll get a better score next time. Just one more try.” 3 hours later, you discover you now have a mysterious new heart arrhythmia. You’re pretty sure you have some bald spots that weren’t there before. To top it off, you want to snap your phone in half; I wanted to break my brother’s phone when I tried the game… and that was only for 20 seconds…

It’s entirely possible to play Flappy Bird and get an amazing score. Seconds after shattering your friends’ scores, it’s also entirely possible you’ll be incapable of getting a meager score of three. Or two. Or even one. My brother tells me that’s the genius of the game. It’s so simple, yet so difficult. You become addicted to trying again and again, simply because you think you can eventually conquer it. You can’t. Meanwhile, your family is left wondering if they need to stage an intervention so they can get their loved one back from a frigging app. So please, do everyone a favor. Ignore that damn flapping bird. No high score is worth your sacrificing your sanity or precious free time.